When I came out, and then started dressing as I’m comfortable, it became very clear to the rest of the world (by their standards) just how gay I really am… which in case you’re still confused, is really really gay. However, when I was diagnosed with diabetes I just kind of looked like I had the flu, and then with my sugars under (relatively) better control, I went back to “looking normal” (whatever the fuck that means… another rant for another day). So here’s the problem with all that… I’m actually kind of sick, and more recently, really sick. I hate that word, you won’t really hear me use it, but in the dictionary definition, objective explanation of things, that’s what I am… my body doesn’t work right and it makes me feel like shit, lately it’s been doing that a lot, and if I don’t get this shit under control soon, it’s just going to spiral… I’m saying this “out loud” as much to the internet as I am to myself. Things are not okay. So I’ve come to a big decision… I’m going to head back east to spend that time with my family… so that I can get better… that’s right, I’m going to let my family help me. I never thought this day would come, I say this sarcastically, but also not really. I said in a previous night scout post that I would never let my parents see my numbers… well guess who is going to setup night scout on their devices for them… that would be me. I even heard myself agree when my mom suggested that they put a baby monitor in my room… I’m 27… and I’m so scared by my lows recently that I actually agreed to that. That should give you a little hint to where I’m at…
In many ways I’m grateful I can get away with passing as being well, it means I don’t have to discuss my health with everyone I meet, I don’t get the fake sympathy, or the weird looks that other illnesses can bring… but for me “passable” has also meant denial, lots of lots of denial